Camping???

A friend put out to the email family seeking some advice/experienced info on camping. I did not plan to preach; I just started a little answer to her inquiry. It was all spontaneous and therefore, I do apologize for the type-o's (how do you spell that word, anyway?!?!?!) that are present.

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>My precious friend. Camping? Wouldn't you rather get head lice for your whole family? I mean, at least you can stay inside for few days - in the AIR CONDITIONING and still be together. When you have bad hair days, you can blame the treatment. When you react to the treatment, you can run to the drugstore for Benadryl and still feel like you've been eaten by a swarm of blood-thirsty bugs intent on making your wholesome family time a feast for their entire legion.

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>By the way, can we talk bathrooms at these camp-ish places. First of all, let me say prayer and fasting is a must, that way you won't need to go. Our sweet and all-wise Father God kicked us out of Eden for a really good reason. Do you really want to go and try to recreate all that nature stuff? Think about it, dear one. The only two perfect people couldn't handle it. I mean, sin has had it's way for thousands of years. I'm pretty sure the enemy headquarters in KOAs. And what happens when someone eats of the wrong tree or bush or can? Whoops, I am back to the bathroom situation. Have you ever wonder why they call it evacuate?

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>Oh, yeah. Food. You, the Momma, must make a list, check it neurotically, misplace it thrice and then go to shop for the food, pack up the food, pack up utensils and plates and serving things and soap and snacks and bug spray and foot spray and non-stick stuff and don't forget the s'mores stuff and the indigestion pills and the Advil. Have you ever had poison ivy? Better bring stuff for that too. Don't forget the measuring spoons for the littlest ones that don't take pills yet and then remember the oral meds for them. Just in case. ‘Cause you know that the nearest pharmacy, cell phone tower or person not wearing flannel everything is way too far away right when you need help.

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>Then there's the towels, the tub things, the flip-flops, the toilet paper, the trash bags, the trash cans, (raccoons do love a field trip in their part of the woods. And baby, where ever your trash/food/stuff is, is their part of the woods).

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>Oh, can we talk sleep. Not that you'll get any; but the little ones do love to be cozy, then cool, where's their own pillow and he's touching me and ... perhaps I digress. The right jammies are a must for the children or maybe nude is better. Or both depending on the time of night and the temperature. Doesn't matter, they will never have a consensus about the temperature so.... bring it all or not.

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>Weather is God's pleasure, and man still can't guess very accurately for the day much less to help you prepare for a season of set apartness in the wilderness. Again, prayer and fasting may help. Especially, when you can't get the fire started to cook your food. Just plan on a spiritual retreat. You'll feel better organized that way.

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>Right now, just throw your camera in the river. It will make you feel better when it's gone without all those great pictures you managed to take while erecting the tents. It will save your marriage relationship when Honey decides he needs to record his bride in the wilderness for posterity sake. Just a little preparation can take the headache out of this situation right here. Big toss, there you go.

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>No matter what the nature people say, wasps do sting in the wild and they hold grudges. If they were there first, yield the campsite. Same for skunks, except I am not sure they bite. I never stayed long enough to find out. One other personal observation, if someone gets sprayed by skunks; make sure everyone does. It is just more miserable having someone not as nasty as you get to be. And no one likes a party-pooper; especially if he doesn't smell like one when everyone else does!! I think you know what I mean here.

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>Toothbrushes. Mouthwash. And sharing a multi-seater potty. Who's idea of a great morning is this? Oh yeah, have you ever heard of anyone sleeping in while camping? Me, either. Dawn cracks early.

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>Since I can't seem to go too long without returning to the bathroom issue; maybe I ought to get just real honest and share my most recent tent camping experience - 20 years ago. My honey thought camping would be a great weekend. I was young and in love,(AKA STUPIDER THAN anyone has a right to be), so I said sure!! Well maybe not two exclamation marks; but I did agree to go. I prepared my last will and testament, contacted my next of kin, said goodbye to my sweet dog, and we departed.

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>So, I didn't die. I didn't starve. Like I said, prayer and fasting. I slept okay. Lots of people snore in the wild. You can hear most of them when you can't sleep. I considered recording the noise for posterity – ‘cause no one would believe me - but I couldn't figure out the necessary disclaimers. Anyway, I slept. I got a bit cocky. Most of the trip was over and I was doing well. I actually had not used the bathroom since we left the day before and I figured maybe, perhaps, yes, I could do the thing. I grabbed my stash of toileting necessities and with purpose in my heart, a large outhouse in view and a constant chant of "I think I can, I think I can" reverberating in my mind, I set off. The aroma was much as I expected. I figured, if I held my breath, I could run in and before I collapsed, (oh heaven forbid collapsing in such a place in such a state, I still shutter with that thought), I could achieve the my goal and leave. I was totally bargaining with myself at this point. I felt I would be satisfied with the points I would earn for just attempting the task. Right? Isn’t that what we tell our children when we potty train them. Just try. That's all I wanted to do.

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>So, I entered the dark and musty potty palace. Okay. Lots of ladies. They came in groups. There was a method. Sorry, I didn't have a potty buddy to bring. I entered the next doorway and ... did I mention how prepared I was? I had the toilet paper, the moist towellettes for the hands, the seat cover, bug spray, extra set of seat covers in case the first wasn't sufficient - you never know, do you? So, as I am continuing to psyche myself up for this thing, (I probably was chanting out loud, too), I notice that the bugs are quite a bit worse in here. So I, being the very prepared and organized and eco-friendly person that I am with my ecologically-sensitive bug killer (what is that really about, anyway?) I sprayed a shot down the hole. A long shot of ecologically-sensitive bug killer went down that hole. Guess what happened. Bugs did not appreciate that at all. They unified quicker than girlfriends in the clearance aisle. I have to tell you, I have a deeper understanding of what making a bee-line for the exit means. You see, the bugs in the hole, the big, long hole that serviced all the other holes in the women's area of the campground toilet facility all decided to evacuate at once. There were only six exits available to them. Most of which were covered by other ladies who were a bit earlier to the pot. I have to say, that to this day, I don't think any of them – neither bugs nor ladies - know what really happened. Suffice it to say, ladies and bugs evacuated very quickly that morning. Some of them never even got their britches back up.

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>I evaluated the situation, which was a bit easier for me - I still had my clothes on. I decided that I stood one very good chance of evacuation myself. I choose the door after I left the (bug killer) can in the can. Who would have thought?

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>So, maybe that's where some of my issues come from. However, let it not be said that I left you with a negative slant on camping. We did go camping this past summer in the mountains of TN. Loved it. My good friend took us with her family; they are big campers. Actually, they have a big camper, or an RV actually, wall-to-wall carpet, central AC, microwave, oven, posh bathroom (not a toileting facility) with shower and sun-roof, two TVs, and a pantry and a fridge, two queens size bed and a double bed. This place is a home away from home for it is parked there. Plus, they have a buddy who is a chef at the local eatery, .... Now that is camping; but not really. It is vacationing.

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>By the way, I don't think those bugs thought that ecologically-sensitive spray made one bit of difference to them. So save your money if you're going buy a can. But, let me tell you, head lice does have it upsides. And s'mores are available as a cereal and pop tarts. So who can say what is good. Actually, I can. Only God is good and He kicked us out of the garden for a very good reason. We cannot be trusted in there. But I guess if you do go, Dr. Phil and some of those other talk shows do need guests to discombobulate. Consider it a ministry in talkshow job security. What a gift to give to the nations.

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>I'm praying for ya, girl.